Journal entry from years past…
The first 10 years of my growing relationship with Christ was spent learning and absorbing. I absorbed everything there was to hear or read about the Bible. I learned lessons, I was fed spiritually, I grew in my faith by seeing prayers answered and I came to trust in God’s love and grace. It was the time when every sermon on the radio filled my heart and head with joy and peace and my sustenance each day was hearing from the Lord. I was blessed. I was blessed with an abundance of answered prayers. I was blessed with marriage and children and church and friends. Sin still caused disturbances from time to time but God’s grace always prevailed. I was forgiven, I was cleansed and I was held in his arms.
The next season began to creep in. This next season didn’t feel quite as pleasant. I became aware of 2 distinct parts of my life. The one and most important part of my life rested in this bubble above my head. This bubble contained everything I had absorbed in the last 10 years. It was filled with biblical truths and godly wisdom. I’d reach in the bubble and grab ideas out to use when appropriate. I’d reach in there to remember God’s grace when it was needed. It was an awesome and useful bubble. But down below, I walked the plain of life in another category. I walked in my emotions. I saw life’s circumstances through my emotions. I acted on them and looked to them for truth and for guidance. The two bubbles, I thought, had always been aligned pretty well, co-existing in harmony until some differences began to appear.
My emotions began to lead me one direction while my Christian knowledge was leading me in another. How could this be? Can I no longer trust my instinct or emotion? “Serve your neighbor” but “I don’t like my neighbor”. “Be patient with your husband” but “he’s wrong!” and the list goes on…and on….and on. My growing awareness of these two spheres of influence brought forth the question “which one do I now follow?” Will I surrender all and follow Him no matter where He leads even if it is against my own desires? Will I allow my faith to become victorious over my feelings?
You are Lord of the heavens and the earth and over this heart and life of mine. I pray that You would wash away the parts of me that still fight You and oppose your leading. I pray I would be surrendered completely to your guidance and your will. Thank You for never giving up on me and always loving me passionately. Thank You for making me your child, forgiven and free. Thank You for having a plan for my life and the means to carry it out. Thank you that your plan is so much better than mine. Strengthen me to choose You every day. Amen